Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
