dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
