Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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