and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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