New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
