He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
