i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
