last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
