Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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