we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize