Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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