even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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