Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
