Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
