I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just forgot I was standing up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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