There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
