If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Pooping to opera.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
