Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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