You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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