Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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