genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
