never play flip cup with pint glasses
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
