Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
whose parrot is this?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
