I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
