I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
