I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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