please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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