if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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