I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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