am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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