I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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