I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
