someone get that fucking seahorse.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
