Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
