I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
