i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we're making bets on your personal life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
