it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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