so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
