hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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