i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
