First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
