Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
MIDGETS
????
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
