he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
