and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
