how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
