i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
