In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
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Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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