apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
