Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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