Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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