theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
