don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize