I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Less talking, more tequila
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
