I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize