new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
