When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
